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Last Updated On
June 8, 2008

Counseling Topics

Dealing with Difficult People

All of us must deal with difficult people from time to time. It is just part of life. Sometimes we ourselves are difficult people (but that's another article)! Learning to deal with difficult people frees us to concentrate on more important things rather than needless conflicts. Rick Warren has defined some different kinds of people and suggested some ways to deal with them and I thought they were worth sharing with you. Below are some of the forms of troublemakers.

• The Sherman Tank - will run over you if you let him
• The Megaphone - will talk your ear off
• The Bubble Buster -- deflates everyone's enthusiasm
• The Volcano - has a temper like Mt. St. Helens
• The Cry Baby - is a chronic complainer
• The Nit Picker - is the unpleasable perfectionist
• The Space Cadet - is on a different wavelength

Jesus modeled four methods of dealing with difficult people through His life:

Realize you cannot please everyone (John 5:30). Even God can't do that! One wants rain while the other demands sunshine.

Refuse to play their game (Matt 22:18) Learn to say no to unrealistic expectations. Confront by "telling the truth in love."

Never retaliate (Matt 5:38-39). It only lowers you to their level.

Pray for them (Matt 5:44). It will help both of you. Let God handle them.

Always remember the following verse, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18 NIV)

Forgiving Others

What does the Bible say about forgiving others? Here are a few directives found in the scripture.

• We must forgive our debtors. Matthew 6:12 -- Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
• Forgiving others is an absolute necessity. Matthew 6:14-15 -- If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
• Jesus says we must forgive often. Matthew 18:21-22 -- Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you , not seven times, but seventy times seven." Luke 17:2-4 -- If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against your seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, "I repent," forgive him.
• Put away bitterness and anger; forgive as God forgives. Ephesians 4:31-32 -- Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
• Love keeps no record of wrongs. I Corinthians 13:5
• Be imitators of God. Ephesians 5:1-2 -- Be imitators of God, therefore as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Complaining

We all know someone who has elevated the process of complaining to a high art. Sometimes funny, sometimes exhausting, these people have the ability to find a problem just about anywhere. In its more evolved form, complaining is simply the ability to see what's not working, in one's own life or in the external world, and it can be quite useful if followed to its natural conclusion, finding a solution and applying it. However, many of us don't get that far, and we find that complaining has become an end in itself. In small doses, this is not a big problem, but if complaining has become a huge part of our identities, it may be time to take a good look at how we are spending our energy.

Complaining is a person's way of acknowledging that they are not happy with the way things are. In a metaphorical way, when we complain or criticize, we are tearing down an undesirable structure in order to make room for something new. But if all we do is tear down, never bothering to summon the creative energy required to create something new, we are not fulfilling the process. In fact, we are at risk for becoming a stagnant and destructive force in our own lives and in the lives of the people we love. Another issue with complaining is that we sometimes tend to focus on other people, who we cannot change, as a way of deflecting attention for the one person we can change, ourselves. So transforming complaining into something useful is a twofold process that begins with turning our critical eye to look at things we can actually do something about, and then taking positive action.

When we find ourselves complaining, the last thing we need to do is get down on ourselves. Instead we can begin by noticing that we are in the mode of wanting to make some changes. Rather than lashing out at somebody or an organization, we can look for an appropriate place to channel this energy, not our neighbor's house, and possibly parts of our own. Finally, we can ask ourselves the positive question of what we would like to create in the place of whatever it is we want to tear down. When we do this, we channel a negative habit into a creative process, thus using our energy to change the world around us in a positive way. Of course, seeking God's guidance and wisdom is first and foremost as we seek to make necessary changes. We can never go wrong when we honestly see His will and His way in our lives.

Depression

Are you suffering from depression? Please examine the symptoms listed below and if several of them apply to you, share them with your physician or healthcare provider for an evaluation.

• I am often restless and irritable;
• I am having irregular sleep patterns-either too much or too little;
• I don't enjoy hobbies, my friends, family or leisure activities any more;
• I am having trouble managing my diabetes, hypertension or other chronic illness;
• I have nagging aches and pains that do not get better no matter what I do;
• I have trouble concentrating or making simple decisions;
• My weight has changed a considerable amount;
• Others have commented on my mood or attitude lately;
• I have thought about suicide;
• I have a family history of depression;
• I feel that my functioning in life (work, family, friends) is suffering because of these problems;
• I have had several of these symptoms for more than two weeks.

I often experience:

• Digestive problems;
• Headache or backache;
• Chest pains;
• Vague aches and pains like joint or muscle pains.

The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do
By John and Linda Friel

1. Baby your child.
2. Put your marriage last.
3. Push your child into too many activities.
4. Ignore your emotional or spiritual life.
5. Be your child's best friend.
6. Fail to give your child structure.
7. Expect your child to fulfill your dreams.

The Ten Commandments of Being a Human Being

1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway.
2. If you do good, people will accuse you of being selfish or having ulterior motives. Do good anyway.
3. If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.
4. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
5. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.
6. The biggest people with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest people with the smallest ideas. Think big anyway.
7. People favor the underdog, but follow only to dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
8. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build it anyway.
9. People really need help but may attack you if you help them. Help them anyway.
10. Give the world the best you have and you may get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway.

Author Unknown

GRIEF

Grief comes as a result of loss. It may become as a result of death, divorce, job, or various other kinds of losses. Bottom line is that grief comes. How do you handle it? The following is a brief synopsis of some things that can help you walk through your time of grieving:

• Don't be ashamed to express your emotions;
• Say good-bye in a way that is comfortable to you;
• Maintain your spiritual lifeline. Prayer is so important. When you feel you cannot pray for yourself, ask others to intercede for you;
• Avoid making major decisions during the first year of your grief;
• Maintain adequate nutrition and physical exercise during your grief process;
• Stay involved with friends and family;
• If you have lost a spouse, learn to do things for yourself that your spouse used to do;
• Write a letter to God or to your loved one and say exactly what your are feeling. Save it and read over the years if needed;
• Treasure memories and mementos but don't make them idols. Let them help keep warm memories alive;
• Find a way to minister to other people. Share your feelings and experience to help them with their own grief.

(This article contains material from Frank Minirth, MD; Paul Meier, MD; and Stephen Arterburn, M.ED of the Minirth/Meier Clinic.)